Susie Dent admits she eavesdrops on strangers’ conversations in the hope of hearing malapropisms

The below list was compiled after a survey of 2,000 Britons by Starkey Hearing Technologies in 2016:  

1. ‘Money for nothin’ and chips for free’. Correct lyric: ‘Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free’ from Dire Straits’ ‘Money For Nothing’.

2. ‘Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you’. Correct lyric: ‘Every time you go away take a piece of me with you’ from Paul Young’s ‘Every Time You Go Away’.

3. ‘Sue Lawley’. Correct lyric: ‘So lonely’ from The Police’s ‘So Lonely’.

4. ‘We built this city on sausage rolls’. Correct lyric: ‘We built this city on rock ‘n’ roll’ from Starship’s ‘We Built This City’.

5. ‘Saving his life from this warm sausage tea’. Correct lyric: ‘Spare him his life from this monstrosity’ from Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.

6. ‘See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen’. Correct lyric: ‘See that girl, watch that scene, diggin’ the Dancing Queen’ from ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

7. ‘Excuse me while I kiss this guy’. Correct lyric: ‘Excuse me while I kiss the sky’ from Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Purple Haze’.

8. ‘Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tangerine’. Correct lyric: ‘Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine’ from ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

9. ‘Sweet dreams are made of cheese’. Correct lyric: ‘Sweet dreams are made of these’ from The Eurythmics’ ‘Sweet Dreams (are made of this)’.

10. ‘Calling Jamaica’. Correct lyric: ‘Call me when you try to wake her’ from R.E.M.’s ‘The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite’.

11. ‘Or should I just keep chasing penguins’. Correct lyric: ‘Or should I just keep chasing pavements’ from Adele’s ‘Chasing Pavements’.

12. ‘All the lonely Starbucks lovers’. Correct lyric: ‘Got a long list of ex-lovers’ from Taylor Swift’s ‘Blank Space’.

13. ‘I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone’. Correct lyric: ‘I can see clearly now, the rain is gone’ from Johnny Nash’s ‘I can see clearly now’.

14. ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight, take me to the doctors at the break of the day’. Correct lyric: ‘Take me through the darkness to the break of the day’ from ABBA’s ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’.

15. ‘Poppadom Peach’. Correct lyric: ‘Papa don’t preach’ from Madonna’s ‘Papa don’t preach’.

16. ‘It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not’. Correct lyric: ‘It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not’ from Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’.

17. ‘I’m farting carrots’. Correct lyric: ‘I’m 14 carat’ from Selena Gomez’s ‘Good for you’.

18. ‘Then I saw her face, now I’m gonna leave her’. Correct lyric: ‘Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer’ from The Monkees’ ‘I’m a Believer’.

19. ‘I want to hold your ham’. Correct lyric: ‘I want to hold your hand’ from The Beatles’ ‘I want to hold your hand’.

20. ‘Kicking your cat all over the place’. Correct lyric: ‘Kicking your can all over the place’ from Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’.

21. ‘Blue seal in the sky with diamonds’. Correct lyric: ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’ from The Beatles’ ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’.

22. ‘Dyslexics on fire’. Correct lyric: ‘Your sex is on fire’ from Kings of Leon’s ‘Sex on Fire’.

23. ‘Here we are now, in containers’. Correct lyric: ‘Here we are now, entertain us’ from Nirvana’s ‘Smells like teen spirit’.

24. “Let’s pee in the corner, let’s pee in the spotlight”. Correct lyric: “That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight” from R.E.M.’s ‘Losing my religion’.

25. ‘Bald-headed woman… bald-headed woman to me’. Correct lyric: ‘More than a woman… more than a woman to me’ from the Bee Gees’ ‘More than a woman’.

26. ‘I remove umbilicals’. Correct lyric: ‘I believe in miracles’ from Hot Chocolate’s ‘You Sexy Thing’.

27. ‘We’re caught in a trout’. Correct lyric: ‘We’re caught in a trap’ from Elvis Presley’s ‘Suspicious Minds’

28. ‘I’m Terry Wogan’. Correct lyric: ‘I’m every woman’ from Chaka Khan’s ‘I’m every woman’.

29. ‘Let me just staple the vicar’. Correct lyric: ‘Just let me state for the record’ from Sister Sledge’s ‘We Are Family’.

30. ‘This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus’. Correct lyric: ‘This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius’ from Fifth Dimension’s ‘Aquarius’.

31. ‘You’re the wobbly one’. Correct lyric: ‘You’re the one that I want’ from John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John’s ‘One that I want’.

32. ‘Don’t go Jason Waterfalls’. Correct lyric: ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls’ from TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’.

33. ‘A year has passed since I broke my nose’. Correct lyric: ‘A year has passed since I wrote my note’ from The Police’s ‘Message In A Bottle’.

34. ‘Kick a chicken with it’. Correct lyric: ‘Gettin’ jiggy with it’ from Will Smith’s ‘Gettin’ jiggy with it’.

35. ‘Hold me closer, Tony Danza’. Correct lyric: ‘Hold me closer, tiny dancer’ from Elton John’s ‘Tiny Dancer’.

36. ‘Take your teeth out, tell me what’s wrong’. Correct lyric: ‘Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong’ from Abba’s ‘Chiquitita’.

37. ‘I like big butts in a can of limes’. Correct lyric: ‘I like big butts and I cannot lie’ from Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’.

38. ‘We’re working for peanuts’. Correct lyric: ‘We’re heading for Venus’ from Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’.

39. ‘I just died in your barn tonight, mustard no mayonnaise instead’. Correct lyric: ‘I just died in your arms tonight, It must have been something you said’ from Cutting Crew’s ‘I just died in your arms tonight’.

40. ‘Aww freak cow! Le freak, c’est sheep’. Correct lyric: ‘Aww freak out! Le freak, c’est Chic’ from Chic’s ‘Le Freak’.

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